You Don’t Need to Be Out to Be Empowered

Three summers. That’s how long I spent working in a male-dominated environment that had all the hallmarks of toxic masculinity. I endured the harassment, the micro-aggressions, the derogatory comments. I thought saying something would “out” me. I thought I was a coward if I quit.

I also really enjoyed my job. I worked with a grounds maintenance crew at a golf course and I absolutely loved being outside and making things look beautiful. Every day at lunch the whole crew headed down to the shop. We ate outside on the really nice days. In my third and final year - after my mental health had taken a nosedive because of how I was being treated - I had an epiphany. My sexual orientation didn’t matter because no one deserves to be treated like that at work.

So I spoke up - without outing myself. My statement was bold, concise, and followed-up with action. I didn’t have to explain about the comments because staff knew. It had been going on for three summers. This time three guys were taking verbal shots at me. Honestly, I don’t remember what they said exactly and I didn’t care because I’d had enough.

“That’s enough. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and I’m tired of it. I’m going to leave now and I’m going to let you explain [to our supervisors] why I left.” That’s it. Two female coworkers, who never once treated me that way, followed me and talked me into staying. Meanwhile, our supervisors came riding along in a golf cart and knew something was up. I explained what happened and they fired one of those men that same day. That wasn’t my intention - I just wanted the behaviour to stop.

The rest of that summer was a treat - no more comments, no more harassment, no more micro-aggressions. It was the most empowered I’d felt in years. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I realized that day that I could have spoken up much earlier, but my fear of being outed by what I might say overruled my courage.

When we are in the closet, or partially in the closet, there seems to be this misconception that we are powerless. And if we are carrying shame and/or internalized homophobia as I was, that feeling is even stronger.

The truth is, you don’t need to wait three years to say something. You do have the power to speak up for yourself. Your sexual orientation doesn’t have to be anyone’s business but your own. You get to curate what you will say based on how safe you feel. There’s power in that right there. No one deserves to be harassed, bullied, questioned about your sexuality, or any other hostile act - full stop. No human deserves that.

There are still too many places of employment where these behaviours happen every day. And with the rolling back of DEI policies in the U.S., it’s possible many are reverting back to these behaviours. If you have the ability, seek out allies in your workplace. Use employee resource groups. Go to your union reps. Use whatever support you have at your disposal. These supports may not exist in your workplace. Whatever the case, read on for strategies on empowering yourself.

Assertiveness scripts can help you with confidence and empowerment. I’ve listed five of my favourite ones below. You can use them whether you’re in or out, or somewhere in between. Tailor them in a way that makes the most sense to you or use them as is. I recommend practicing with someone you trust to get a feel for saying it, especially if assertiveness and speaking up don’t come easy for you. Practice in front of a mirror and look yourself straight in the eyes.

• I’m not comfortable with that conversation

• Let’s keep it professional

• Not cool man, that crossed a line

• I’m here to work - not explain myself

• I like to keep that part of my life private

These may seem like simple phrases, but for queer men like us, they are nerve wracking when saying them for the first time. Your voice might shake. And that’s perfectly fine! Why? Because you showed up for yourself.

What about those comments you hear that aren’t about you but you feel like crap anyway? This one is tricky because of the fear of outing yourself or even being too much for speaking up. There are two things you can do to reclaim your space depending on your level of comfort:

1. Leave the area immediately. Don’t hesitate. Say you’re going to the bathroom if you need to.

2. If you do feel comfortable enough, use this phrase and walk away (or tailor it as you see fit):

• “I choose not to participate in talking like that about other humans.”

This statement takes sexual orientation out of the equation because you are referring to all humans. If you choose the first one and keep repeating it, someone may ask you about it. Now you can use the above statement. You could also follow up with I have good friends (or a family member or whatever the case may be) who are “X” and they are awesome people. Again, you are not outing yourself by doing any of these things.

One final note. We may not be in a position financially to leave a toxic environment without having something else lined up, but you can find better workplaces. If this is you, look for them. Research the company and look at their company culture, their DEIB policies. What are they actively doing with their policies that aren’t just performative. And in a job interview, remember that you’re interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you.

It’s not just, “Am I a fit for them?” It’s also “are they a fit for me?” Ask how they include everyone around the table at all levels of the organization. If your interviewer is squeamish about answering those kinds of questions - that’s a red flag. Also, in case you didn’t know, there is a fantastic group on LinkedIn called the LGBTQ Professionals Network with over 100,000 members. You will find community and support here.

I’d love to hear how you navigate these spaces. What strategies do you use to empower yourself? Feel free to comment or join my private facebook group for queer men called “The Authentic Space” where we can safely chat about it.

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