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Use Your Voice the Way You Were Meant to
Scott Kratchmer
October 31, 2025
The fall season is full of beautiful colours this year in Newfoundland - a season of change. It’s inspired a lot of creative reflection. It got me thinking how far I’ve come to use my authentic voice. Before I came out, and even awhile after, I had such a difficult time speaking up for myself. Saying no. Sharing my ideas at work. Asking for a promotion or growth opportunities. Offering alternatives to others’ ideas fearing it might spark conflict. Setting boundaries. And forget asking questions when I’m a new employee because I might look incompetent.
Does this sound familiar? You’re not alone. This rings especially true for us older queer men who spent a long time in the closet. We had to keep ourselves safe. So what did we do to stay safe? We people pleased, edited ourselves for the comfort of others, ignored our own boundaries, stayed silent, chose careers we might have not chosen had we been our authentic selves at the time. I’ve seen it with clients, friends, and with many meaningful conversations I’ve had over social media.
I wanted to dig deeper to examine the prevalence and nuances of this experience. What I found might seem bleak, but bear with me - I’ll get to the good stuff. I started with a LinkedIn poll, which was representative of all members of the queer community. Of 319 votes, 52% of respondents voted that fear of conflict or rejection was the biggest barrier to speaking up, followed by speaking up wouldn’t matter anyway, suggesting that 23% of these respondents believed nothing would change.
I delved into studies of older queer men done in the US, the UK, and Canada (though ages 35-50 were less represented).
For Canada, safety and belonging are tightly linked to conformity, and voice feels dangerous when authenticity isn’t welcomed.
In the UK, silence is survival, especially when layered with class, masculinity, and national identity norms.
For the US, decades of navigating environments where being out or assertive could cost you safety or belonging.
For all of these men above 35, permission to use their voice was never given. Or worse - it was actively taken away. Voice is not just a skill. It’s a privilege built on perceived safety, past experiences, and cultural permission.
Survival. We could not be visible as our authentic selves and we could not be heard as our authentic selves. Is it really any wonder that speaking up would be a challenge for us?
Let’s unpack that a bit further. What else gets suppressed when you can’t speak up? Feelings. Things get bottled up. It is no surprise that so many of these men had higher rates of anxiety and depression.
I’m sharing these insights to create awareness. Why? Because awareness is power. When we truly understand the root of our struggle to speak up, we can take action. So if you are saying, “I wish I could speak up more.” You can. How do I know this? Because I once thought I’d never get there. Ever. But I did. What’s even more powerful, for me, is that I choose my moments. I know if it’s worth it to speak up or let it go. That’s the power of awareness.
I know what you’re saying - I already know all this, what am I going to do about it? I had to provide the context before I offered some strategies. And without further adieu, here they are:
5 Power Strategies to Speaking Up
1. Recognize that silence was a survival strategy, not a personality trait
You’re not broken or weak. Your environment trained you to stay quiet to stay safe.
Your new mantra: “my silence kept me safe. My voice can now move me forward.”
2. Practice micro-assertiveness
Start small: saying “Actually, I disagree,” or “I’m not available then,” builds the muscle. You don’t need to roar. You need to show up.
Set a goal: I’m going to take 2 small stands this week. I will not not justify the response, just provide a clear response.
Make sure you celebrate! You must reward yourself.
3. Use your body before your words
It’s ok if your voice shakes, or if the words don’t come out exactly as you wanted them. Assertiveness begins in your posture: shoulders back; feet grounded; eye contact (look at their nose if you struggle with this one). You’re telling your nervous system: I belong here.
Let your voice follow your posture. Practice using this posture in all your interactions. Be intentional about it.
4. Script your boundary phrases in advance.
We struggle most when put on the spot, so don’t wait for that moment. Have go-to phrases:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need time to think.”
“I hear you, and I’m choosing differently.”
Build a bank of 5 phrases you can practice.
5. Holding back is not failure.
Speaking up takes energy, and lots of it when you really begin to use your voice. There will be moments when you still hold back. That’s okay. It’s not a relapse. It’s a reminder of what you’ve survived.
Self-compassion is so important: “I didn’t fail. I paused. I’ll try again.”
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🎯 Monthly Challenge
For the month of November, choose 3 moments where you will use your voice. Work, family, friends. Doesn’t matter. Work the voice muscle.
Journal your results. Tell someone you trust. Celebrate it!
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Speaking up takes time. It takes commitment. But the world needs your voice.
If you’re stuck in silence, it’s time to step into your voice.
Let’s talk about how to do just that and start saying yes to YOU.
If you want to discuss with like-minded community members, join my private FB group.