Let’s Talk About “Coming Out”

We all have our coming out story. Some of us have yet to come out. There isn’t a standard coming out narrative. It’s something we all share, but the process is as unique as each individual human being.

Some stories involve divorce, children, established lives. Some were not so complex. Some men have support. Some men have none. Some men move halfway across the world to come out (that was me). Some men reach rock bottom before realizing that coming out is the only way forward. Those are just a few examples.

Inclusion has never been more important. True inclusivity for our community means welcoming stories that involve personal evolution - however messy that may look - not just static identity. Inclusivity means accepting where we are at in our story. Letting us walk that road with empathy, because it’s not an easy one - even after coming out.

Your story is important to who you are and how you embrace your authentic self. If shame is a part of that story right now - then process that properly. I highly recommend therapy for this. I say this because shame festers in silence. It holds us back. When you can talk about it in a safe space, it can’t survive. Empathy is the antidote. Yes, I stole that from Brené Brown, renowned shame researcher. Who better to make my point? And when you tell your story, let those parts be a part of that story then, not how your live your life today.

Let that story show how resilient you are in moving forward, because you are. Look how far you’ve come?

I haven’t even mentioned how overwhelming it can be to navigate the queer world for the first time while coming out. How do I meet people? What do I say? What will people think of my history? How do I talk about sex? Am I expected to have an open relationship or to be monogamous ? What about all the sub-cultures? Where do I fit? How do I play the game?

It’s ok to not have the answers right now.

I want you to remember 6 things if you are an older queer man struggling right now:

1. You don’t have to put a label on anything.

2. You absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

3. Embrace self-discovery. Age does not matter. Your sexual orientation isn’t the only thing that will come out if you are new to coming out. You may discover new interests, hobbies. Those parts of you also stayed hidden because you didn’t want to draw attention to yourself. Case in point: I never would have learned to knit when I was in the closet because I was afraid someone might find out I’m gay. I absolutely love knitting. What a wonderful discovery.

4. A queer relationship may just be your first real relationship, and you might feel immature about it because you missed out on that growing up. But you do get to experience the butterflies, the magic of meeting someone new and developing a relationship, all those exciting things. When it comes time to navigate challenges, communication is essential. And it absolutely is possible. Being authentic about it all is also attractive. And your person will love that about you.

5. You don’t have to use the apps. Sure, try them out because there are some great people out there. But don’t get caught up in the drama that can come along with them. Look for queer meetup events in your area. If there aren’t any - make one!

6. You might have to switch careers. Some men who have come out later chose a career (or two) that helped them stay hidden, and safe (that was me, too). That doesn’t mean you have to quit what you’re doing right now, but it’s okay to make that change. It’s like the hobbies point above, other parts of your identity will be revealed.

If you are in the process of coming out, are thinking of coming out, or have been out for awhile as an older man, the one point of all six of these that was the most essential for me? Embrace self-discovery. The rest will follow.

Were there things you’ve always wanted to try but never did because somehow they might draw attention to that side of you? Revisit those.

I know something else that weighs on so many of our minds when we are ready to start meeting guys to date. There is a sense of urgency because we’ve wasted so much time being in the closet. There is a feeling of needing to meet someone fast, the clock is ticking. The not so great news is that urge might not go away completely. The good news is that you can tame it.

Here’s 3 ways to help you do that:

1. Mindfulness - set aside a certain amount of time each day for this. Even if it’s only 5 minutes. Mindfulness is a way to practice being present and recognize emotions when they come up. Once you recognize them, you control them instead of them overtaking you. This practice helps with those urges.

2. Call it out. Laugh it at. Seriously. Continue down the road of self-discovery. Get comfortable with being alone. Enjoy your independence, because before you meet someone, the only person you have to worry about is you.

3. Let go of expectations on the first date. Dating can be fun. So let go and have fun - be present. Laugh. Talk about your favourite things. Learning about a potential partner’s interests for the first time is exciting. And you may try things you’ve never tried before with different people.

The holidays are upon us now. What I want for Christmas this year is for all of us to live our authentic lives - unapologetically. I’m thankful for what I’m calling the beginning of this community here in The Authentic Space. I’m thankful that you are reading this and my wish for. you is that it gives you comfort and hope - and helps you feel good about yourself.

Wishing you all a happy holiday season and a very authentic 2026!

Your Queer Empowerment Coach,

Scott Kratchmer

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On January 11th, 2026 I’m hosting a virtual intimate Coaching Circle with 6 queer men. If there’s enough interest I will start hosting them monthly. We’ll begin with a little introduction, a meditation, hot seat coaching, and come together as a group near the end. With hot seat coaching, each member of the group will be coached for 15 minutes. Bring to this session one thing that you want to move forward with in 2026 and I’ll coach you on setting a goal and making an action plan, complete with accountability! Join for a very small fee at the link below. Hope to see you there!

Click the link below if you would like to find out what coaching with me looks like.

Join my Private Facebook community for older queer men who came out later in life! We can discuss the newsletter or any other topics you have in mind.