Boys Don’t Play with Teasets

This title is where my story begins. I remember that was the first time I felt shame about my own masculinity. That moment stuck with me. With a disapproving look and a sharp tone, my sister scolded me for buying a tea set with my Christmas money. The moment killed any excitement I had for playing with my female relatives. I was six years old.

Later, when my peers found out I played with dolls with my female relatives, I was shunned and bullied. It didn’t matter that I also played with forts and action figures—those moments of being “different” stuck. By the time I realized I was attracted to boys, I had already internalized one message: You are not enough as you are.

Growing up, boys were expected to “be men.” Show no emotion. Walk and talk a certain way. If you didn’t fit the mold, you were shamed. That shame didn’t just keep me closeted—it followed me after coming out, holding me back from speaking up, setting boundaries, and believing I was capable of more. I spent years people-pleasing, overcompensating, and doubting myself. Confidence didn’t just take a back seat, it wasn’t even inside the car.

Do you feel confident enough to say “no” to others? To ask someone out? To share your ideas in a team meeting? To ask for a raise? To pursue opportunities that challenge you? If you hesitated, you’re not alone. But confidence struggles don’t just appear out of nowhere—they have a root cause.

For many queer folks, the answer lies in something deeper: shame.

Let me ask: What keeps so many of us in the closet? Fear of rejection? Bullying? Disapproval? Being disowned by family? Yes—but why do those fears exist? Because we were taught that being queer was wrong. We were shamed for being anything other than the masculine or feminine identities that we were assigned at birth.

How Do You Break Free from Shame and Start Living with Confidence?

The good news? Shame can’t survive in the open. As Brené Brown says:

“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy.”

The antidote is self-love and self-compassion. It’s about rewriting the messages we were taught and learning to show up for ourselves. Here are five steps to start building confidence from the inside out:

1. Identify What Brings You Joy – Write down what makes you happy, what excites you, and what lights you up.

2. Do More of It – Prioritize activities that bring you joy. Small moments of authenticity build confidence over time.

3. Create a Self-Care Ritual – Whether it’s swimming, yoga, meditation, or morning coffee in silence, set aside time just for you. When you do, use affirmations like: “I am taking care of myself” or “I am making time for me.”

4. Practice Saying “No” – If people-pleasing is second nature, start small. Decline a social invite when you need rest. Say no to things that don’t serve you. Each “no” is a step toward self-respect.

5. Let Go of Perfection – When you make a mistake, remind yourself: “I am human. Mistakes are learning opportunities.” Acknowledge it, learn, and move on.

Bonus Tip: Read Brené Brown’s work or watch her TED Talks. Her book Daring Greatly literally inspired the courage I needed to speak up at work. Her insights are life-changing.

Confidence isn’t about being perfect—it’s about embracing who you are, without apology. If you’re ready to break free from self-doubt and step into your truth, let’s connect. Sign up for a free 30 minute discovery call, and let’s take that next step together.